Scripteach

WILLIAM AND TOM’S
Top 10 List of NO-NO’s!!

I, the undersigned, promise to never put any of the following items in one of my screenplays:

1) No introductory scenes of answering machines clicking ON and proceed¬ing to provide limp, “on-the-nose” or overly-cutesy expository informa¬tion about either the machine’s owner or the telephone caller. And especially no answering machine messages from Mothers’ complaining about the character in question never calling them enough!

In the 30′s and 40′s this same effect was achieved by having a maid answer the telephone and deliver several pages of scene-setting exposition. So here we have another example of automation claiming yet another human job! But human or machine, the result is the same: YAWWWN.

2) No Japanese tourists crazily snapping away with cameras. Or no crazy Arab/Indian/Pakistani, etc. taxi drivers who can’t speak English and drive on the sidewalks. Or no kvetching Jewish mothers harping at their immature son to “find a nice girl, settle down, maybe get married, would that be so bad?” or any other shop-worn, tired and trite character cliché or ethnic stereotype. If you feel you are absolutely forced to use it, at least twist it into a new shape, add a peculiar “spin” or do something different & unique with it so it doesn’t just rely on an old and hackneyed stereotype.

You could look at this as being P.C. (Politically Correct) or C.S. (Creatively Smart); take your pick, but either way I think you’re going to come up with something more interesting than the usual B.S. (Bull I-think-you-know-what-it-stands-for.)

3) No romantic scenes/montages on a beach, park, mountaintop (or similar, over-used supposedly  romantic/exotic locale) between lovers, especially filmed in long shots with a boring V.O. or sappy music droning over it.

Have you ever seen the 1988 comedy NAKED GUN? It has a very funny montage in it of the two leads falling in love; all the cliches are there, parodied to a hilarious extent. Well, unfortunately, it didn’t kill the cliches and they continue being repeated to this day. So if you have the urge to do a “falling-in-love” scene, you should get a hold of this film and if they made fun of it there, then you know it does not belong in your script!

4) No scenes where the protagonist begins a long, soul-revealing speech with the lines, “Remember when…” or “All I ever wanted to be…” or something similarly lame.

If you’re using some¬thing like this, it probably means you’ve stopped the movie in its tracks to have the protagonist tell us something directly when a better way to get this information across exists if you look hard enough.

5) No characters talking to dead persons or any of their memorabilia, i.e. corpses, gravestones, photographs, dogtags, favorite pet, etc.
It’s awkward looking and rarely every happens in “real life”; think about it, when’s the last time you “talked” to someone’s picture or ashes? Now their artifact may spark some memory or feeling, but a conversation? Nah.

(This rule can only be broken if the dead person is actually in the scene with the character, eg. GHOST,  At least then it somewhat has the appearance of a real conversation as opposed to the load of internal emotional exposition it really is.)

6) No heroes who possess weapons with an infinite capacity of ammunition and succeed to hit everything they aim at while standing totally in the open and not getting a scratch on them.

C’mon — we’re all familiar with the fabled six-gun that shoots about 43 shots without reloading. Well, Westerns may be dead but bottomless ammo isn’t or, its relation, the hero who runs around with an unlimited supply of full semi-automatic clips. (You ever feel one of these things? Not only are they heavy, they’re uncomfortable as hell to carry!) Wouldn’t it be more effective and interesting for the hero to work against and overcome the disadvantage of a limited ammo supply?

7) No characters accidentally or surreptitiously overhearing conversations they’re not supposed to hear but, now having done so, are greatly benefited by the knowledge they gain.

This is actually a corollary to #1, but it’s evil enough to have its own listing because it’s used so much that calling it a cliché would be a disservice to real mind-numbing clichés. This is a “TV” device, which is not exactly a compliment. But, in all honesty, it is a hard one to kick because it’s so damn convenient … but what makes a writer stand out is their ability to write their way past what everyone succumbs to.

#8) No beginning a line of dialogue with the over used phrase: “As you know…” This is constantly used to convey exposition to the audience that the writer has found no other way to dump.

We see all the time: some dope walks into a conference room and says to all the gathered officious types, “As you know, the earth is round and it does circle the sun, not the other way around,” or something else equally obvious. What the character really should say is, “As you know Harry, since we’ve been friends for nearly forty-three years, I shouldn’t even have to tell you the information I’m about to regurgitate, but since the screenwriter was too lazy to figure out another way to get this information to the audience, I have to stand here and look like a complete ignoramus and tell you something you obviously already know. Forgive me and I hope we can get together for drinks after this stinker’s in the can.” At least that way the writer would be honest about it.

9) Okay, so Tom and I only have eight — sue us!! But now you have room to include two of your own personal favorites and make the world save for script readers everywhere! Please leave a comment below if you have suggestions for other cliches to avoid.

10)

And now, just print this out, sign in blood down below and frame it above your writing space in order to always remind you to write fresh, original and exciting work:

I, ______________ ________________, hereby do solemnly swear that, after having attended William R. Pace’s Screenwriting class and of learning of the aforementioned No-No’s, promise not to knowingly or consciously use such said devices in my script … unless, of course, the stupid producer or director or star demands that I put them in and pays me a princely sum of recompense, wherein, of course, I’ll have no other alternative but to take the money and run like hell, so help me my Creative Muse.

SIGNED _________________________________